Demon-Summoning Do’s and Don’ts
So you’ve cast a circle and you’re ready to bring an infernal spirit into your home for a visit. Or are you? Summoning demons takes care and consideration—it’s nothing to jam in between doing the dishes and catching the new episode of Walking Dead.
These simple tips will help you put together an exciting evocation, without all the messy embarrassment of getting your soul ripped from your flesh and devoured.
DO offer a blood sacrifice. Your guest has traveled across endless darkness from the lower pits of Hell and will be expecting a snack. Chicken or lizard blood will do nicely for a lesser spirit. For an archdemon, you’ll want to sacrifice a human being instead—anything less is considered rude. Virgins are still preferred, but no longer expected by more modern demons. Finally, an activity you can do with that annoying neighbor you’ve always wanted to eliminate from the earth!
DON’T call up the wrong kind of demon. Incubi and succubi will arrive with certain expectations, because these unholy hornballs only have one thing on their evil minds at all times. If you’re not ready for a swingers’ sabbat, avoid them. If you do summon them, you’re going to need a little more protection that the typical enchanted circle provides—the beasties get around. Also avoid gluttony demons, because these corpulent creatures not only look like disgusting mountains of flab with enormous mouths, they’ll also destroy your snack bar and leave an unpleasant flatulent odor that takes weeks to remove from your carpet.
DO be polite. Powerful demons resent being summoned by mere mortals, but minding your manners can go a long way towards creating a more pleasant evening. When you say, “I bind thee and summon thee, foul Mephistopheles!” and the enraged horned demon appears in a flash of fire and brimstone, don’t forget to add, “Thank you!”
DON’T expect them to bring wine or a hot dish. Again, they’ve come a long way and can’t be expected to carry host gifts up from the abyss. Also, demon food tends to be rotten and vermin-infested, so how badly did you really want that casserole, anyway?
DO remember to take pictures! Remember, the only reason to do anything extraordinary in life is so you can brag to your friends on Facebook. A picture of you and Beelzebub with his host of flesh-eating flies will totally shut up that one friend who’s always bragging about the time she met Colin Farrell on an airplane.
DON’T forget to banish! If you don’t send that demon right back to Hell when you’re done, it may move onto your couch and stay there for months. Demons don’t pay rent, they don’t do chores, and they never, ever give up control of the remote. They will, however, watch home shopping channels twenty-four hours a day and max out your credit card to ordering useless knickknacks. They won’t take subtle hints to go home, either, no matter how many you drop—you have to order them out. Exercise your right to excorsize!
Following this list is sure to make your demonic encounter a more successful one! When you summon horrific spirits from the fiery underworld into your living room, you don’t want it to ruin the rest of your weekend.
The Unseen by J.L. Bryan has a special release price of 99 cents through Halloween. See his website for details and links: http://jlbryanbooks.com/books/theunseen.html
J.L. Bryan studied English literature at the University of Georgia and at Oxford, with a focus on the English Renaissance and the Romantic period. He also studied screenwriting at UCLA. He enjoys remixing elements of paranormal, supernatural, fantasy, horror and science fiction into new kinds of stories.
He is the author of The Paranormals series (starting with Jenny Pox), The Songs of Magic series, Nomad, and other books. He lives in Atlanta with his wife Christina, his son John, and some dogs and cats.